Last year, I went to a pamper evening held for a friend
before her wedding. She is such a close friend that I armed myself with anxiety
medication and went along, although being in a group that included people I
don’t know, I barely said a word all evening. After a couple of hours, I was
sitting next to one lady and the conversation turned to Seussical, the show
that my friend had recently directed and in which I had played a lead role. The
lady said she had been to see it and asked what part I’d played. When I told
her, she expressed total shock, essentially asking how someone as quiet as me
could have such a big stage persona.
This disconnect between my love of performing and my
paralysing social and general anxiety, which prevents me from socialising and
from going into a busy shopping centre, has been on my mind recently.
Tomorrow, I have to have my photo taken for publicity. My
drama group are performing Guys and Dolls from 20-23rd March and, as one of the
lead 4 actors, I will be photographed in costume with the others to try to
increase ticket sales.
This has worried me ever since I heard about it. I think I’m
concerned that people will see the photo and think “LB is clearly lying about
the extent of her depression and anxiety if she can perform in a show”. Trouble
is that nothing is every as simple as that.
It’s hard to explain how I’d much rather sing a song or act
a scene in front of people than to speak to them. The worst part of rehearsals,
for me, are the coffee breaks. If I need to talk to someone, I’d much rather
email them than face speaking in person. But, when I’m pretending to be Sarah
Brown or Miss Gertrude McFuzz, I will sing or speak to a whole bunch of people.
(Playing Gertrude last year)
Obviously there are exceptions. And in my two years of being
in this drama group recently (it’s 25 years since it was founded and I joined
but I haven’t been in it properly since before undergrad), there are more
people in the group I can talk to and I don’t have to take a lorazepam in the
car before entering the building for rehearsal now.
I do know that I’m not the only person in the world who uses
drama to escape … and I think I need to embrace that and be glad about it, rather
than being concerned that other people might judge my anxiety to be less real
than it is simply because I can sing in public.
